The Cycle of Abuse : 4 Phases of a Toxic Relationship

Posted on by Jonas Koblin

The cycle of abuse is a relationship pattern that shows the dynamics of an abusive relationship, and explains why it is sometimes so difficult to leave a partner, even if they hurt us repeatedly. In part, this is because leaving may come at a very high cost, such as losing one’s own child or facing homelessness. It is also because the repetition of the cycle often leads to trauma bonding – where the victim comes to see the abuser as both the source of pain and the provider of relief. This paradoxical attachment makes separation feel impossible.

THE abuse cycle
01 Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse is a relationship pattern that typically begins with a happy phase, then tension starts to grow, which leads to an incident of abuse. Afterward comes a period of reconciliation, followed by another honeymoon phase until tensions rise again, perpetuating the cycle.

Honeymoon phase
02 Cycle of Abuse

During the honeymoon phase, the abuser often appears charismatic, attentive, and deeply invested in the relationship. They may want to move quickly, pushing for commitment. To outsiders, the partnership looks perfect. This phase cements emotional attachment, making abuse later more difficult to recognize and resist.

rising tension
03 Cycle of Abuse

Then tension builds up. The abuser may exhibit controlling behavior, unpredictable anger, or emotional withdrawal. Rather than questioning the relationship, the victim often rationalizes their partner’s behavior —believing the changes are temporary or even their own fault. 

abuse incident
04 Cycle of Abuse

Now the abuser crosses a line. This incident of abuse can take the form of emotional manipulation, physical violence, betrayal, or sexual assault. While the target may feel a range of emotions from shock to fear, anger, and helplessness, the bully instead shifts the blame onto the victim or external circumstances. This is the moment many victims want to leave, and start to plan their exit.

Reconciliation Phase
05 Cycle of Abuse

But the abuser does everything possible to convince the victim to stay. During reconciliation, they apologize, promise to change, plead for another chance, or threaten to harm themselves. The victim, often still attached to the person they once knew, believes that they can help their partner become a better human being. This sense of responsibility can create a psychological chain that affirms their decision to stay. 

cycle repeat
06 Cycle of Abuse

And so a new honeymoon phase begins, where the abuser returns to being the “ideal” partner, until tension builds, another incident occurs, and both go back into reconciliation — and so on and so forth, each cycle becoming more intense.

why the cycle persists
07 Cycle of Abuse

Psychologically, the cycle mirrors patterns seen in addiction. Unpredictable bursts of affection act as intermittent rewards, triggering the brain’s dopamine system. The victim, like a gambler chasing a win, remains emotionally invested, waiting for the next moment of kindness. And there are four other reasons that reinforce the cycle. 

self blame
08 Cycle of Abuse

Victims often internalize blame for their partner’s behavior, believing they can prevent future harm through compliance. This leads to deep feelings of shame, especially when harm extends to children. As abusive incidents become routine, victims may grow more forgiving and their threshold for what is tolerable gradually rises.

hidden abuse
09 Cycle of Abuse

Abuse often happens behind closed doors. To outsiders, the offender often appears charming, creating feelings of shame that deter the victim from speaking out.

trauma bonding
10 Cycle of Abuse

Over time, victims may come to believe that their suffering is a self-inflicted choice. Paired with deep feelings of loneliness, this can lead to trauma bonding—where the victim sees the abuser as both the source of pain and the provider of relief. This paradoxical attachment makes separation feel impossible.

exit barriers
11 Cycle of Abuse

Abusers often make their partners depend on them through financial commitments, marriage, or shared parenthood. Each layer of commitment raises the cost of exit. Eventually, the consequences can mean losing one’s own child or even facing homelessness.

abuse statistics
12 Cycle of Abuse

According to one study, over one in four women and one in seven men report experiencing severe physical violence from a partner. The true figures are likely higher, as many cases go unreported due to fear, stigma, or systemic failures in law enforcement.

breaking the cycle
13 Cycle of Abuse

What do you think? How can we prevent getting into an abusive relationship in the first place? And how can we help those in an abusive relationship right now? Share your experiences and ideas of how to help  in the comments below! If you feel like you need to reach out to someone, you can find links and important information in the dig deeper section below. 

Sources

Dig deeper!

Classroom activity

Objective
Students will analyze the psychological, emotional, and systemic dynamics of abusive relationships by exploring the Cycle of Abuse. They will learn how trauma bonding occurs, why victims may stay, and reflect on strategies for prevention, support, and intervention.

Materials Needed

  • Sprouts Video: The Cycle of Abuse
  • Handouts on the four phases: Honeymoon, Tension, Incident, Reconciliation
  • Case studies or survivor narratives (optional)
  • Whiteboard or large post-it notes

Duration: 60 minutes

Steps:

1. Introduction and Script/Video Viewing (10 minutes)

  • The teacher shows the Sprouts image on The Cycle of Abuse.
  • Explain that the Cycle of Abuse is a patterned and complex dynamic that often traps victims emotionally, psychologically, and socially.
  • Ask the class two questions;
    • What stood out or surprised you about the cycle?
    • Why might it be so difficult to leave?

2. Group Analysis: Breaking Down the Cycle (15 minutes) 

  • Divide into Four Groups then assign each group one of the core phases; Honeymoon Phase, Tension-Building Phase, The Incident, Reconciliation & Trauma Bonding
  • Each group discusses and answers these three questions;
    • What happens during this phase emotionally and behaviorally?
    • How does this phase make it harder for someone to leave?
    • What warning signs might someone on the outside see?

3. Presentations and Synthesis (15 minutes)

  • Each group presents their phase and its impact on the victim.
  • The teacher facilitate discussion:
    • How do these phases feed into each other?
    • Where could intervention be most effective?

4. Discussion or Debate: Responsibility and Recovery (15 minutes)

  • Ask the student;
    • Why might well-meaning advice like “just leave” not work?
    • What systems (e.g., housing, legal aid, therapy access) could help break the cycle?
    • Is trauma bonding a form of psychological manipulation, survival adaptation, or both?
  • Encourage multiple perspectives, supported by examples from the video and readings.

5. Reflection and Sharing (5 minutes)

  • Ask students to respond privately to:
    • What is one thing I didn’t know about abusive relationships before today?
    • How can I support someone in an abusive situation without judgment?
  • Invite a few students to share (voluntarily), or collect anonymous notes for group discussion next class.

Collaborators

  • Script: Jonas Koblin and Ludovico Saint Amour di Chanaz, PhD
  • Cartoon artist: Pascal Gaggelli
  • Producer: Selina Bador
  • Voice artist: Mithril
  • Coloring: Nalin
  • Editing: Peera Lertsukittipongsa
  • Sound Design: Miguel Ojeda
  • Publishing: Vijyada Songrienchai