There are arguably two styles of communication. Communication that’s coercive, manipulative, and hurtful and communication that’s honest, respectful, and compassionate.
Marshall Rosenberg, who developed a model for Nonviolent Communication (NVC), liked to demonstrate the differences between the styles with two animals. The Jackal as a symbol of aggression, dominance and violent communication. The Giraffe with his long neck and big heart (the biggest of any land animal) as a representation of a clear-sighted and compassionate, nonviolent communicator.
“This video actually helped me understand people around me more….”Bloomiya Yen
Violent vs nonviolent
There are two styles of communication, violent and nonviolent — and a whole spectrum in between.
Violent communication is coercive, manipulative and hurts. It includes making generalizations and a use of language that induces fear,shame or guilt.It is often ineffective since it diverts our attention away from clarifying our actual needs and distracts us from solving the actual conflict.
Nonviolent Communication is based on the idea that we all share universal human desires such as the need for trust, safety, and appreciation. It allows us to empathize and think clearly. And as a result, reach a better and more honest understanding of each other.
4 steps of nonviolent communication
Nonviolent Communication follows 4 steps: observation, feeling, needs and requests.
To understand how it works, let’s imagine a college student being late for class. Old Jay, her former teacher, would usually have just said “and here she comes again, late Ann.” In class he then would give her a hard time and after – as his form of punishment – a bunch of senseless assignments. Then, both would often feel bad for the rest of the day.
Step 1 : observation
New Jay, who’s her current teacher, learned about Nonviolent Communication and knows that it begins with a clear observation.
During observation he tries noticing concrete facts – things that happen at that very moment. New Jay jots down that Ann arrived 20 minutes late and that his pulse is up- possibly a sign of stress. Note that sharing observations should not be combined with evaluating them, because then others can hear criticism and naturally resist.
Step 2 : distinguish the Feelings
When focusing on his feelings, New Jay connects with his heart and can learn to understand various underlying emotions. This is important because what seems to be anger, might in fact be sadness. During this step it is essential to distinguish feelings from thoughts. After class, New Jay shares his observation and explains to Ann that he feels disrespected when someone is late for his class.
Step 3 : identify the needs
Knowing his needs is important because it allows him to enrich his life, and feel at peace. If we disregard our needs or don’t live up to our values, we experience stress and frustration. Understanding that we all have universal human needs is perhaps the most important step in the process. New Jay tells Ann that they should find a way to respect each other’s values and desires.
step 4 : REQUEST
Lastly there is the Request which clarifies what future New Jay wants for himself and this relationship. Clear requests are hence crucial to a transformative communication. When we ask for concrete actions, we often find creative ways to ensure that everyone’s needs are met. New Jay asks Ann not to come to class at all, if she happens to run later than 1 minute.
Marshall Rosenberg, who developed the model, liked to show the differences between the communication styles with two animals. The Jackal was a symbol of aggression, dominance and violent communication. The Giraffe with his long neck and big heart represents a clear-sighted and compassionate speaker and nonviolent communication style.
“All violence”, Rosenberg wrote, “is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”
- Nonviolent Communication – Wikipedia
- Marshall Rosenberg – Wikipedia
- The Center for Nonviolent Communication – cnvc.org
- Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. – Download PDF
- ‘Non Violent Communication’ has its merits, but be wary of the ‘right way’ to verbally communicate. – how to tread the waters of nonviolent communication
- Nonviolent Communication is an Instrument of Psychic Terror – opinion piece
Organize a brief session where your students can practice nonviolent communication. In groups of two, let your students act out a scene where one, who is always late, is late again to the birthday party of the other. Prompt your students to use the observations, feelings, needs and requests to both communicate a resolution to this issue.
When the students are done, make a list of what they came up with for each stage.
Then discuss: what do you need to use Rosenberg’s methodology? Can you practice introspection and rationality or do you need to be born with them? Are there times when it is OK to get angry sometimes?